Dancing is like dreaming with your feet

In life, you need to have a balance.  So to balance my profound and heavy last post, I give you this, my random, eclectic upbeat playlist for tonight's pre-drinking rendez-vous at my place in preparation for tonight's birthday festivities at Grace O'Malleys.  Get your dancing shoes on and fervently explore different variations of the 1-2 step !!!

"Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...and of course, in a house full of women, there's always the one song you raise your glass to and sing at the top of your lungs.

 

 

LCxo

Isn't it pretty to think so

Thanks be to Grooveshark.com for helping me find this artist.  Frou Frou is its name and it has captured my heart.  Blissful, slow and concentrated songs, they put my mind at ease and numb me to a state of total relaxation, which does not happen very often.  I think so much when I have nothing but this particular artist on my playlist.  One song in particular, and even more so, its' opening lines, have really arrested my interest.  The single is The Dumbing Down of Love and what follows are the opening lines:

Well painted passion,

You rightly suspect,

Impersonation

[etc]

Monday morning was a very bizarre day.  For one, I showed up to work when it was still closed after New Years and secondly, issues in my personal life arose. Short version:

It was early December.  I made acquaintance with a boy. His name was Justin Bobby (hereon  in referred to as JB)  We talked incessantly.  Flirty and fun would best describe our day long conversations.  We finally met.  There was finally a face to put to my new bbm bff.  We went on a date.  It was a whirlwind one at that.  We kissed.  We held hands.  We frolicked in the streets of Toronto.  From one establishment to the next, we conversed.  We gave sweet caresses.  We indulged in great conversation.  We opened up our lives.  We danced.  We got carried away.  The night ended.  Conversations continued, as did a hunger for more. There was tons of flirty banter, peppered with intimate nothings, sweet dream wishes and good night bbm propositions.  I couldn't wait for both he and I to be back in the city after our respective holiday excursions and have date two. Judging from what he had to say throughout our holidays, so was he. That was then, this is now.  The boy has a girlfriend and it isn't me. Seems inexplicable doesn't it.  Wishy washy? Undecided? Equivocal? Misleading ? Vacillating ? If you said yes to any of the above, you are right.  However, somewhere along the way, between befriending this boy, our hour long conversations, and now, I started to get an intuitive feeling that perhaps I should put my guard up. And the reason for that gut feeling is best described in those three lines mentioned above. 

As a result of a past experience, I have a hard time believing people when they tell me that what I see is what I get.  I for one am of that type.  What I say and do is me.  There is no fluff. There are no misunderstandings.   But there are those, that for whatever reason, are in disguise.  Whether it's in what they tell you or how they behave with you, there is some tweaking.  I cannot wrap my head around that concept because sooner or later, that disguise will falter, it will fade and crack and then the real person will be exposed. 

A friend once said that the people that talk themselves up and make it a point to tell you their positive personality traits are the ones you need to worry about the most.  Like someone who has no self esteem is somehow the cockiest person in the room, as is a person who is lacking all the personality traits they speak of, they over compensate.

He painted passion well but just as I rightly suspected, he was an impersonation.  He went away to Ohio, but actually Cincinnati, for New Years Eve.  Days prior, he uttered such things as I will cry if you don't kiss me when you see me next, or you're my favourite colour, you're very desirable or come be my cuddle partner.  I have a strong memory.  That is one thing that will work against anyone who reneges on what they say or retracts a statement.  I digress.  We didn't speak at all throughout the weekend; first sign something was up.  Upon his return to the city, without a hello or a heads up, he changed his status on facebook to "as in a relationship".  Completely out of left field.  Unexpectedly hit by a small and extremely weird blow.  I was to give him a day to man up and approach me about it, but that was far too optimistic of me, for I was the one, after some waiting, that approached him.  Central to what he had to say was that he had enough respect for me that he was going to message me that day.  How kind of him. What a farce.  Then, to my pleasant and unpleasant surprise, it was brought to my attention, that he, under his infamous 6 letter initials, is subscribed to sinister cams, a website described as "The naughtiest camsite featuring alternative and open minded, smokin hot models who likes to explore their limits, while you're watching! ".... Let's all laugh together now shall we.  I never thought it would be possible to be disgusted and happy at the same time.  A weird combination might I add.  Thanks be to JB for going ahead with that discourteous status update prior to talking to me because thankfully, I have now dodged a huge bullet.

There have been some very depressing things happen this week.  A friend passed away, a  life cut short, and another friend who tried to cut her life short.  Completely barraged with emotions as a result, I knew right then and there I had to rid myself of any contempt.  Life is far too short to hold onto anything negative.  It is a shame he disrespected me, a shame for him.  It was very immature of him to use a social networking site to do the dirty deed.  I am insulted by his actions but I extended a warm enough exchange despite all of this.  I had things to say and I believe in saying too much than not enough.  I came close to writing his girlfriend, but I opted not to. I wrote him an extensive email instead and he replied with something equally as lengthy.

My email in a nutshell:  1) You disrespected me....large 2) You're shady 3) Smarten up.

JB's email in a nutshell: 1) I did not mean to disrespect you 2) You are right to feel the way you do towards me 3) But....

# 24 in Jaime Morrison Curtis' book Prudent Advice - lessons for my baby daughter (a life list for every woman) reads "Don't lie, except to comfort people - I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you".  I wasn't looking for a response but I appreciated nonetheless.  However, I take everything he said with a grain of salt.  I hold zero faith in his sincerity. 

# 219 reads "Everyone is a hypocrite - Hypocrisy is not the blanket failure it's made out to be.  We all act in ways that conflict with the image we want to reflect or the values we want to reflect or the values we want to embody.  Try not to pigeonhole people with expectations. Be forgiving of this inconsistency both in yourself and in others".   In this whole situation, I feel the only thing I may have done that was contrary to who I am was give him too many hours of my day with conversation.  I can forgive myself for that. What can't, not at this time anyway, are his major inconsistencies. 

Our "courtship" (for the lack of a better term) ended as quickly as it started and there is a reason for its short life.  Perhaps these are my lessons to take away:

• Stay away from bbm. It's manufactured chemistry.
• Do not accept garters as a first date gift (* see below for further details)
• Always google people prior to any intellectual, emotional or physical stimulation.  Always.
• Facebook breeds cowards.
• Stay away from porn hogs (wise and hilarious advice from a friend)

* JB received swag from a Calvin Klein fashion show and it came in the form of a garter.  I asked him for it.   JB accepted.  JB gave it to me on our first date, jokingly as a token of approval of either he wanted to see me again, or he wanted to see me in it.  

I am now with a garter but without the male companion.  Which leads me to say... onto the next one !


LCxo

Comfort in numbers

Tonight was the night...the night where guidos and guidettes alike all came together, in their respective homes, stationed in front of their televisions to catch the one, the only, Jersey Shore.  Who would have thought that such a mindless and crass show could provide such captivating entertainment and have you craving more with every week.  Well, it is my guilty pleasure.  It's a time where I can completely shut off my brain, relax and enjoy.  Between friends, we wish one another a Happy Jerseday. One day it'll catch on. Just watch.  I believe we have AT to thank so if and when it goes big, I'll use this blog post as a point of reference to prove that she was the golden child, the mastermind behind the weekly well wishes dished out on thursday nights.

 To make a night out of it, we had some girlfriends over for some late night wine and sushi.  The characters in this evening were LC (me), Cha (my older sister), AT and MG (whose names will remain anonymous).Obviously extensive chatter ensued.  That's a given.  Two bottles of wine in, chowing down on our gargantuan platter of delicious rolls from Sushi on Bloor, we are gasping for air at our personal stories, laughing even harder at some of the absurdities (but amazing they were) from the show.  Somewhere along the way, AT and MG, two beauties, brought up how they are slowly but surely putting together their bucket list.  Curious by nature, I was excited to hear of what their lists comprised.  As they began to list them off, I was hit with a surprise.  One that subtly took the wind out of my pipes.  Number whatever on their bucket list was to spend more time with LC and Cha.  I have never been so touched.  Seriously.  A bucket list includes very important things you want to do before you die, before you kick the bucket as they say. I never expected time with me would make such a high priority list.  That's not to belittle my worth or our friendship.  I love those women with all my heart and it's a reciprocal love.  But I was just taken aback, definitely in a good way. Friendship amongst women is a powerful thing, inexplicable at times, and other times, it just makes sense.  This night of pure indulgence between great girlfriends suddenly made me more appreciative of not only them as individuals, but of our bond. At a time when there is much contemplation going on within me, I couldn't have asked for greater surroundings and a greater evening.

LC, Cha, AT, MG are rockin ! (also included, but absent this evening, were Rin and Jlee...also beautiful beings) xo

*** When AT first moved to California last year, she struggled with missing her family and friends.  I wanted to be creative in my way of making her smile and feel loved, so I wrote her this, a hand written (hand written with my computer mouse that is) short story of how we met and essentially when our friendship began.  AT, you're irreplaceable.

Cheers to friendships and their longevity.

LC
xo

Do not disrespect yourself

As mentioned previously, I am an avid talker and despise bottling things up. LC is a chatter box. I release my inner psychobabble, no matter how absurd, either over my morning coffee with my roommates or over many glasses of wine on any particular day of the week. I have been told that my analytical abilities are scary because my trains of thought are long, tedious and from a very different angle, but at the end of the tunnel, they are accurate. It’s a gift.

So whenever I get advice, I soak it up, ponder over it for a little while, dissect it, analyze it and piece it back together to see if it fits anywhere in my life at that moment in time. If not, then it’s stored in this advice box in the inner circles of my mind. Recently, I received advice from a male colleague. An experienced father and a man well versed in life, he had a lot to say to the young females in my department. Harsh on the exterior, rough around the edges and stern in his mannerisms, he has willfully taken on a protective role over me since my year and a half stint with our company. An inherent softy and a gentle soul, he overheard a conversation I was having with someone about my latest endeavor: online dating. I’ve taken the leap and joined one of the many impersonal and awkward dating websites. He later approached me and uttered the following:

“Lynda, one piece of advice I can give you with this online dating stuff, since I’ve been there and done that; Do not disrespect yourself. Once you do you can never get it back. I know how my kind works and it’s not always morally upstanding”.

Here is a man when you need one. Since my dad is hours away and I don’t get to speak to him often about my life, in-depth, I have another source of wisdom; the next best thing to my exemplary father.

After he delivered the advice, he went on his merry way to his lunch break, while I sat there with this information. It immediately struck a cord with me. I’ve told myself that before, how once you cross a certain line either by actions or words spoken, there is no turning back. Some things cannot be repaired, they cannot be rewound, no matter how strong your efforts. To hear that from another is a great thing because it reaffirms what I think and gives it more lasting power. 

So, what I took away from this advice:

1. No matter how strong of a person you think you are, you can be swayed into behaving out of character as a result of the slick persuasion of some.
2. You can regain your own self respect, but it's the respect of others that can be forever gone.
3. To be in a place where you have let yourself down is not a great one and you will continuously work towards erasing that feeling, that situation, that event.  But a card laid is a card played.
4. Do not mould yourself to the likings of someone else.  We're like boomerangs.  We can be thrown out of our comfort zones, reach far out places and behave completely out of character for temporary satiety.  However, in the end, we always come back to our original spot, to our original being.  You can change ten times over to achieve the likes of someone else, but you will always return to the real you and realize, with discomfort, what you have done. So before ever being stricken with that feeling, don't do it.  Do not change.

Raise your metaphorical glass and let's cheers to firm beliefs and strong character.

"Watch your thoughts for they become words.
 Watch your words for they become actions.
 Watch your actions for they become habits.
 Watch your habits for they become character.
 Watch your character for it becomes your destiny." 

 LCxo

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This Year I Will

There is a certain Kate Spade gold bangle bracelet that I have had my eye on for quite some time.  It is called the "This Year I Will" bracelet because it is engraved with those words on the inside of the bangle and on the exterior, for all to see and read is "read the classics, conquer the souffle, learn to cha-cha, take up the trumpet, fall head over heels". The beauty of the bracelet is not necessarily in what the designer chose to list on it because I don't particularly have an interest in learning the trumpet.  The beauty lies in the concept of it, the concept of trying new things, scratching things off your bucket list and take the upcoming year by storm. 

I finally bought it for myself and then was quickly warned to bring it back because my parents bought it for me as one of my Christmas gifts.  I have yet to have it fully embrace my wrist and cannot wait to have those words wrapped around me in full disclosure.  It'll be a daily reminder to take this life of mine, grab it by the proverbial balls and live it up to the extreme.

I am a woman of many words, but be that as it may, I am uncomplicated and easily inspired by messages of few words, hence why I adore this particular bracelet.  Preston Bailey is an event planner (extraordinaire) to celebrities and anyone wealthy enough to support his creativity and ideas for your event.  From his blog, I give you his short and sweet reminders for 2011:

• Dream more while you are awake
• Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
• Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate.
• No one is in charge of your happiness EXCEPT YOU.
• Don’t have negative thoughts or things you can’t control, instead invest your energy in the positive present.
• Live with the 3 E’s: Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
• Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes a day.
• Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
• Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful

http://blog.prestonbailey.com/2010/12/22/reminder-for-the-new-year/

They're all things that I knew already but when they're put into such small nuggets of a sentence you can't refute their viability and effectiveness.  They are sensible reminders to appreciate every single thing given and done onto you.  Without life, without people, without friends, without experiences, we are void of the opportunity to gain insight, learn, change, remain and reflect.

LC
xo

What Ernest Hemingway says goes !

I never thought being a big dreamer would be a bad thing until I pinpointed it as the root cause of my false hopes. My first source of energy comes from my mind, how I can take a situation and dream it bigger, better, grander, differently and to my detriment, unrealistically. My mind knows no boundaries and with that ability, to see and dream things longer and further down the road than what their life expectancy is meant to be, has time and time again lead to disappointment. I am left with a feeling that is far less satisfying than what I was hoping. All fancy talk aside, in other words, I get ahead of myself. This rings true for all things in my life, aspirations, career, personal goals, relationships etc. 

There is a fine line between having dreams such as having a family, a certain career goal, or traveling to the far corners of the earth, and dreaming beyond your means, even in your own mind. There is so much flare in what I think up that I make it so easy to want to slip away into this fabrication and just as hard to escape it.

That was my previous school of thought, until I came across something uttered from the lips of Ernest Hemingway:

“That is what we are supposed to do when we are at our best - make it all up - but make it up so truly that later it will happen that way”.

Well, what Ernest says goes. Ladies and gentleman, dream big. Believe in what you create. Believe in the strength of your dreams. If you lay the groundwork necessary for them to laboriously come to fruition (in my case, the talent and drive), then it is attainable.

Happy Dreams

LC

xo

Dare you to move

We are in the middle of the biggest and most widely spread time of giving.  Aside from the impatience we may encounter when tackling the busy shopping centres and the long line ups in the retail stores, we are all cheery, jovial and happy.  There is something about Christmas, the decor, the music and the ambience that instills a sense of togetherness, a brother and sisterhood, a strong commoradory.  The act of giving can take on many forms which all start with a lighting of our "generous" fire within us.  There's the giving of material gifts. There is the monetary donations that we give to charities or the salvation army.  Then there is the act of being kind to others, opening doors for a stranger, spreading the cheer and delivering smiles.  The common denominator here is the person for whom the act is towards: others. 

Now that I am on vacation, I have a couple things on my to do list.   Directly taken from my facebook status,  I am: officially on vacation which means coffee and baileys every morning, hours at the gym, reconnecting with her designing, blogging, having at least 1 dance party a day to a classic, ample amounts of beer and wine, playing cards, reading, cooking, jogs with the dog, breakdancing, corny movies, scattegories and day long pj  parties.  My to do list is one that completely revolves around me. How great of a concept.  It is long overdue.  All the things mentioned above, I will check off, but most importantly, are all things that will occupy my mind when needed, will give me the time to clear my mind of what needs to be thrown out and will give me the clarity to reinstate feelings, sentiments, thoughts and opinions that once were prevalent in this "noggin" of mine. 

This Christmas, while I will be carrying out generous deeds for my loved ones with great enthusiasm, I will also be generous towards myself, not with material possessions however. The greatest gift I will be giving myself this festive season is the intangible gift of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as " [no longer] feel[ing] angry or resentful towards someone for an offence, flaw or mistake....no longer feeling angry about or wishing to punish an offence, flaw or mistake".  The act of forgiving usually stems from an apology.  Hopefully one of sincerity.  In the event that no apology is given, then what?  How can you turn your negative emotions towards a person into positive ones, of redemption?  The lack of an apology is usually indicative that the wrong doer is not sorry, has not reflected and seen the hurt in their actions or words.  Naturally, any human being will come to the conclusion that this person does not deserve forgiveness.  But here is where the tricky part comes in, one that I've been tackling with for some time.  Forgiveness is a "selfish" act, for the lack of a better term. Essentially it is not done for that person.  You are not giving them anything by tying up the loose ends in your heart and mind and fixing what they have wronged.  You are doing it for yourself and to appease your inner self.  Forgiveness is about letting go. Holding onto negative feelings is just as taxing on the soul than holding onto positive ones for the wrong reasons.  They are also equally as difficult to get rid of.  An unwillingness to forgive can bring you to a very caliginous place.  Allowing yourself to see past the hurt ignites a very different kind of inner light, a strength, a sense of empowerment that you came to all on your own.  It gives you this sense of entitlement that you whole heartedly deserve inner peace.  That feeling cannot be shaken.   

I never got an apology.  It was always very upsetting. For the longest time I always thought  that if and when I would hear those divine words "I'm sorry", everything would be ok and the dust would settle.  That is the furthest thing from reality.  My dust will have to settle with words unspoken because firstly, cowards never apologize, secondly, I refuse to seek out an apology.  I know I have what it takes to move along without ever hearing that all-powerful, apologetic declaration.

To forgive is better than the alternative so as of now, I am releasing all my anxiety and anger associated to specific ordeals.  I dare myself to move forward to a place of cessation, serenity and repose. And I suggest you do the same.  Take your personal experiences and purge to start anew. 

LC

xo

Back to the Future

I've always fancied myself someone who was able to judge a good character, in more detail, someone who was able to dissect a person at first glance, upon words spoken, shared moments, and glances given.  Where does this ability come from?  Past experience most definitely.  But can that past experience cloud or misguide you in your first analysis of this "new" person?  The answer is an unwavering yes.

A couple years ago, I met a gentleman who, with great charm, swept me off my feet.  At the time I knew everything was wrong, with him, with me, with us together.  There were many external factors coming into play that made my choice of him so wrong, on so many levels.  But without going into that detail, I will carry on with this short lived romance.   It started with lengthy conversations, dates, dinners, and hints of romanticism and fantasy.  He told me what I wanted to hear, but at the time, I didn't see it that way.  I saw it as he was telling me things he felt, meant and wanted to say.  And then it all ended in being ignored.  Ignored by a man, for all intents and purposes we will call him that, who gave me, and reciprocal it was, his undying like and attention for months.  I felt awful.  Was it me.  Was it something I said.  Was it something I didn't say.  Was it something I should have said.  Was it something I should have done.   I cannot count how many conversations I had with myself to try and understand his logic, or lack there of.  We spoke briefly once I raised the issue with him and he told me, and I quote "I don't deal with things properly.  I just ignore them in hopes that it all goes away".  Ouch.  So rather than be upfront with someone you've been conversing with for some time, you opt to ignore. 

Second experience.  Short version: the man I was seeing went to New York and had a 4 day sexscapade with his ex girlfriend (I realize sexscapade is not a word).  I know, isn't that grand.  The flood of emotions I went through with a couple of my experiences definitely have shaped me...for the good and, to be relevant to this blog insert, for the bad. 

This is where my concern lies.  Have these "douchebags" tarnished my outlook? If so, permanently or just temporarily?  I'm going to jump the gun and answer the second question first by saying that no man can hurt me permanently.  I am a firm believer in self progression and helping one self out by 1) taking from the past and learning 2) we are the ones that control our emotions, reactions and adverse effects of our situation.  I digress.  All this begs the question, am I still affected?  Am I still affected by what they have done to me?  To be honest and contrite, yes I am.  Whenever I feel a sentiment or have a thought remotely close to something similar to what I had/felt with these men, I immediately make this unreasonable link between the past and present. 

My studies in critical thinking and argumentation, have taught me that while things can be similar in two different scenarios, in this case, past and present, to immediately categorize them as the same, without just cause other than "well, just because..." is faulty, possibly invalid and not firmly placed.  Past experiences help us to see red flags when we normally wouldn't have had we not gone through what we've gone through.  So in that sense, they are extremely helpful.  But when we are misguided and are drawing reference to bottled up hurt, we can potentially raise, not see, a red flag and we run the risk of, in simple laymen terms, fucking up.

So, to make a full circle, I will end it with this.  Yes, I am a good judge of character.  Yes past experiences can cloud your judgment, I'm a prime example.  Yes, my judgment of the new is tainted by characters who gladly no longer play a role in my life. But on the same token, no, I will not allow it to rain on my parade. 

If any of this was properly worded and came out coherently, I applaud myself. When I have a thought, I just run with it until my mind is dry.

Gnight, LC

Why

Again, the time has come for another blog authored by me, LC.  I’ve jump started blogs before, having to do with things of interest, such as art and fashion.  But I felt there wasn’t much substance to any of it.  I am more than beautiful clothing.  I thoroughly enjoy perusing fashion collections and coming to my own, somewhat educated opinions on them.  But I sometimes feel that a blog on such topics as the above mentioned are a dime a dozen (I’m finally using that expression in the proper context).  They lack anything and everything useful and insightful.  At my core, that is what I am, insightful, along with expressive, intelligent (not at all tooting my own horn), vocal and analytical.  Couple that with my inherent need to want to talk, and what that creates is an inevitability of a blog.

To start a more meaningful blog was an idea that came from someone I recently met.  This particular male character’s blog spawned from devastating personal experiences.  It’s nothing but the truth in its purest, rawest form.  This blog has not spawned from similar events, but simply from the longing and urgency to want to write.  A spawn of a spawn.  Simply put.  What I think and have to say is not superior to what anyone else thinks and feels. I, however, just happen to be one of those people, however lucky or cursed, that has a lot to say, whose mind is never at rest, whose analytical tendencies take up much of her time and whose main approach is to talk things out.  I need to vocalize, not internalize.  In this case, write it out.  This is about getting lost in translation.  It is about getting wrapped up in my thoughts, so much so, that the final outcome will be nothing but me, myself and I, spilled over an internet page.