LCpod
Emancipation by Helios
When I moved recently, I was downsizing from a house to a one bedroom apartment. Quite obviously, I had to downsize my belongings, of which I had alot. I gradually purged, starting with my wardrobe. I did it in three rounds because I have a tendency to attach emotion to garments and it can take some convincing to get me to let go of it. By the third round, I was ruthless and had given away four garbage bags of clothes to charity. I truly recognize this as a moment of pride because it took some work.
Emancipation by Helios
When I moved recently, I was downsizing from a house to a one bedroom apartment. Quite obviously, I had to downsize my belongings, of which I had alot. I gradually purged, starting with my wardrobe. I did it in three rounds because I have a tendency to attach emotion to garments and it can take some convincing to get me to let go of it. By the third round, I was ruthless and had given away four garbage bags of clothes to charity. I truly recognize this as a moment of pride because it took some work.
I began my downsizing
with my wardrobe and I ended it with the greatest task of all: going
through my large bin of memories and hundreds, if not thousands, of
photos. I plopped myself on the floor right next to the bin in my
basement and spent two straight days sifting through it all. I
laughed. I cried. I reminisced. At times, I sat there for minutes
on end, motionless, just staring at the wall and letting the emotions
take over. Each was a flash back of my life, good and bad, and I
could not have been more happy of my former minor hoarding tendencies
because I would have never come across these:
My
friend Nina took apart my locker one lunch period and made me a
necklace out of the nuts and bolts. I still had that.
The
same friend cut a lock of her own hair, put it in an envelope and
slipped it to me in class with a silly note. I still had that.
She
also gave me a drawing of a blind goat saying “Baey Baey Lynda,
come closer, I cannot see you”. I still had that.
Pictures
of math class with Mr. P – a genius, a gentleman and a scholar. I
still had those.
My
friend Terry left a note on my desk in our highschool English class
that I found when I came back from the washroom. It read: “I wish
I was Terry. Maybe I'll get with him tonight at Angel's party. He
is such a stud. Oh My God !” I still had that.
A
newspaper clipping of the boys highschool volleyball team after
winning a tournament, each member a good friend of mine. I still had
that.
A
video tape of my friend Joey and I sitting on the stage in the gym
talking about nothing and everything and expressing that we'll miss
each other when we graduate. I still had that. And I do miss him
terribly.
A
wall clock on which my best friend and her husband (boyfriend at the
time) signed with a white marker words of encouragement as I ventured
to Ottawa for law school. I still had that. And some friends will
remember that I came out of the house one afternoon with that clock
around my neck pretending that I was Flavor Flave. Both equally
great memories.
A
loonie stuck in a beer cap from a night partying behind the community
centre. Small town antics of highschoolers, what more can I say.
The
card my grandmother gave me on my confirmation day expressing her
pride and love for me - her penmanship as graceful as she was. Rest
in peace grandma.
A flower pot my friend
Julie gave to me for my 18th birthday with the names of my
close friends painted all around it. I still had that. This was
particularly difficult to reminisce on because it bared the name of
our friend Lowell who passed away tragically years ago. You
sometimes forget that people have perished and when you see their
name directly in front of you on a memory dating back to the time
when they were still breathing, it is an awesome feeling and a heart
wrenching one all at once.
Not a single thing in
that bin didn't affect me. But like the card and the flower pot,
some did more than others. Hidden away inside my university degree
were two folded pieces of paper. One was a story I had written with
friends one afternoon in my backyard here in Toronto. It was a joint
effort. One person started the story and the paper circulated for
each to write a couple of lines. It is a hilarious story of a horse
named Jimmy on a hot pursuit for Sea Biscuit. It somehow ended with
Lynda the Leopard dating Star Trek Guy.
The other paper was
authored by a friend and my sister's boyfriend at the time. It was a
letter written during a time when I was heartbroken and it was left
for me to find in my room. Double sided on a sheet of Hilroy lined
paper is a story that I will carry with me forever and it is worthy
of sharing:
Lynda,
Have you ever heard of the penguin theory? This is basically it in a
nut shell. When a penguin is born they instinctively know who “the
one” is. What I mean by one is that they know who they are
supposed to spend the rest of their chilly life with the second they
are born. With this out of the way, penguins live simple playful
lives just doing their thing and not spending an iota of time
thinking or stressing about finding “the one” because it's
already pre-determined.
I hate to break it to you Lynda, but your “one” is already
pre-determined. Time has known this for ever + ever + ever + ever +
ever + ever + ever + ever + ever. So, I say to you my lovely friend,
stop searching, stop stressing, stop drunk dialing (loving low blow)
and start playing in the snow, sliding around, eating raw fish.
Because when “time” does decide to introduce you and your
pre-determined “one”, nothing you can do will be able to prepare
you for the feeling of helplessness you'll have. So, sit back,
relax, live in the now, and enjoy this exciting time of not knowing
what's next. Because once the one reveals himself, Lynda as we know
her will cease to exist as she will now be 1/2 of 1.
Keep that well tanned chin up.
Much love,
Anthony
My entire being is
bewitched by this two paragraph letter. It gives me shivers because of its poignancy. It brings a renewal of hope
and faith in what I truly believe: a pre-determined one. It brings a
smile to my face in remembering the big brother care that was
extended to me by my sister's then boyfriend. Lucky for me, I never
had to wonder what it would be like to have a big brother because
since the early days, I have had gentlemen take care of my sisters
and, by default, take care of me. And it also brings tears to my
eyes because of its message, an important one that we need not worry
of what has taken place. We need not worry of what has yet to take
place. We need to care about what should take place in this very
day.
I lugged that big bin of
photos and memories with me from my birth home to Ottawa to then
Toronto without question. I knew it had to come with me wherever I
went. Its contents were a big part of me, a major life investment.
But my life was at a crossroad and it was time for me to face what
was in that bin, go through it, and figure out what should continue
on with me.
There is remembering your
past and then there's living in it. I think this is where I have
faulted and where it has gotten blurry for some of us at some point
in time. All our futures are unknown and when you're uneasy with the
notion of a blank in your life that you can only estimate on how it
will be filled but never fully dictate what is inserted in it, you
reach for familiarity to ease the anxiety. Where that can be found
is in your past because your past is a matter of fact. It has taken
place.
When you do this, you do
not think of how your decisions will affect your future because
you're looking behind rather than forward. Your actions then tend to
not reflect what you want for yourself in later years. They will
most likely match your past, which in that case, a lesson can never
be learned.
Remaining in your past is
a state of inaction. It makes you forget to enjoy the present, which
as we all know, can hold great beauty. Just like a day comes and
goes, just like the sun rises and sets, all your moments at every
point in your life need to be cherished and then let go. Life is
like driving. Sometimes you need to go backwards, but not very often
and usually just for short stints. Other times, you have to wait at a
red light; this is where people would tell you to stop and smell the
roses. But for the most part, you're inching forward.
I threw away a lot of what was
in the bin; one full garbage bag of pictures was laid to rest.
Every single photograph, every single memory, piece of paper and
memento were music to my ears and heart. They each struck a
different chord and the melody that played in me in those two days
will forever be humming deep within me.
The roller coaster of
emotions felt during the one weekend it took me to go through what
had taken me years to gather was thrilling. I was able to relive
parts of my childhood, recount my years in high school, visualize my
university experiences, re-cherish numerous family events, and
experience the butterflies of past boy crushes. I was brought back to
small moments between friends, moments that have all slipped our
minds because we are busy creating more small moments - such is life.
I was plagued with certain what ifs
but because it's all in hindsight now, I know how things turned out
and I see that everything worked out for the best.
Like the penguin theory
and its lesson of “time”, I firmly believe that I needed this
refresher course on my life at that particular time. It was a
complete rejuvenation. It reminded
me to soak up the small moments. It reminded me to live in the now
and let all my senses take part in the experience. It
reminded me of the characters that have played lasting parts in my
story and of those that didn't last but will always be remembered of
fondly.
If you look back too
often, you chance damaging your present and the people meant to be
part of your future. On the flip side, if you look too far ahead,
you chance missing out on the present. The fine balance, then, is to
remain in the now. The key is moderation.
Your past, present, and
future, together thread a golden line from your beginning to your
end. At one point your past was your present, and in due time, what
was once your future will become your present and then follow suit to
your past. You can't have one without the other. What is nice
about this trinity is you can stray and walk in the wrong direction
but like a compass, your past should always point you to your true north.
LC xo
