The Penguin Theory

LCpod
Emancipation by Helios


When I moved recently, I was downsizing from a house to a one bedroom apartment. Quite obviously, I had to downsize my belongings, of which I had alot. I gradually purged, starting with my wardrobe. I did it in three rounds because I have a tendency to attach emotion to garments and it can take some convincing to get me to let go of it. By the third round, I was ruthless and had given away four garbage bags of clothes to charity. I truly recognize this as a moment of pride because it took some work.

I began my downsizing with my wardrobe and I ended it with the greatest task of all: going through my large bin of memories and hundreds, if not thousands, of photos. I plopped myself on the floor right next to the bin in my basement and spent two straight days sifting through it all. I laughed. I cried. I reminisced. At times, I sat there for minutes on end, motionless, just staring at the wall and letting the emotions take over. Each was a flash back of my life, good and bad, and I could not have been more happy of my former minor hoarding tendencies because I would have never come across these:

My friend Nina took apart my locker one lunch period and made me a necklace out of the nuts and bolts. I still had that.

The same friend cut a lock of her own hair, put it in an envelope and slipped it to me in class with a silly note. I still had that.

She also gave me a drawing of a blind goat saying “Baey Baey Lynda, come closer, I cannot see you”. I still had that.

Pictures of math class with Mr. P – a genius, a gentleman and a scholar. I still had those.

My friend Terry left a note on my desk in our highschool English class that I found when I came back from the washroom. It read: “I wish I was Terry. Maybe I'll get with him tonight at Angel's party. He is such a stud. Oh My God !” I still had that.

A newspaper clipping of the boys highschool volleyball team after winning a tournament, each member a good friend of mine. I still had that.

A video tape of my friend Joey and I sitting on the stage in the gym talking about nothing and everything and expressing that we'll miss each other when we graduate. I still had that. And I do miss him terribly.

A wall clock on which my best friend and her husband (boyfriend at the time) signed with a white marker words of encouragement as I ventured to Ottawa for law school. I still had that. And some friends will remember that I came out of the house one afternoon with that clock around my neck pretending that I was Flavor Flave. Both equally great memories.

A loonie stuck in a beer cap from a night partying behind the community centre. Small town antics of highschoolers, what more can I say.

The card my grandmother gave me on my confirmation day expressing her pride and love for me - her penmanship as graceful as she was. Rest in peace grandma.

A flower pot my friend Julie gave to me for my 18^th birthday with the names of my close friends painted all around it. I still had that. This was particularly difficult to reminisce on because it bared the name of our friend Lowell who passed away tragically years ago. You sometimes forget that people have perished and when you see their name directly in front of you on a memory dating back to the time when they were still breathing, it is an awesome feeling and a heart wrenching one all at once.

Not a single thing in that bin didn't affect me. But like the card and the flower pot, some did more than others. Hidden away inside my university degree were two folded pieces of paper. One was a story I had written with friends one afternoon in my backyard here in Toronto. It was a joint effort. One person started the story and the paper circulated for each to write a couple of lines. It is a hilarious story of a horse named Jimmy on a hot pursuit for Sea Biscuit. It somehow ended with Lynda the Leopard dating Star Trek Guy.

The other paper was authored by a friend and my sister's boyfriend at the time. It was a letter written during a time when I was heartbroken and it was left for me to find in my room. Double sided on a sheet of Hilroy lined paper is a story that I will carry with me forever and it is worthy of sharing:

Lynda,

Have you ever heard of the penguin theory? This is basically it in a nut shell. When a penguin is born they instinctively know who “the one” is. What I mean by one is that they know who they are supposed to spend the rest of their chilly life with the second they are born. With this out of the way, penguins live simple playful lives just doing their thing and not spending an iota of time thinking or stressing about finding “the one” because it's already pre-determined.

I hate to break it to you Lynda, but your “one” is already pre-determined. Time has known this for ever + ever + ever + ever + ever + ever + ever + ever + ever. So, I say to you my lovely friend, stop searching, stop stressing, stop drunk dialing (loving low blow) and start playing in the snow, sliding around, eating raw fish. Because when “time” does decide to introduce you and your pre-determined “one”, nothing you can do will be able to prepare you for the feeling of helplessness you'll have. So, sit back, relax, live in the now, and enjoy this exciting time of not knowing what's next. Because once the one reveals himself, Lynda as we know her will cease to exist as she will now be 1/2 of 1.

Keep that well tanned chin up.

Much love,

Anthony

My entire being is bewitched by this two paragraph letter. It gives me shivers because of its poignancy. It brings a renewal of hope and faith in what I truly believe: a pre-determined one. It brings a smile to my face in remembering the big brother care that was extended to me by my sister's then boyfriend. Lucky for me, I never had to wonder what it would be like to have a big brother because since the early days, I have had gentlemen take care of my sisters and, by default, take care of me. And it also brings tears to my eyes because of its message, an important one that we need not worry of what has taken place. We need not worry of what has yet to take place. We need to care about what should take place in this very day.

I lugged that big bin of photos and memories with me from my birth home to Ottawa to then Toronto without question. I knew it had to come with me wherever I went. Its contents were a big part of me, a major life investment. But my life was at a crossroad and it was time for me to face what was in that bin, go through it, and figure out what should continue on with me.

There is remembering your past and then there's living in it. I think this is where I have faulted and where it has gotten blurry for some of us at some point in time. All our futures are unknown and when you're uneasy with the notion of a blank in your life that you can only estimate on how it will be filled but never fully dictate what is inserted in it, you reach for familiarity to ease the anxiety. Where that can be found is in your past because your past is a matter of fact. It has taken place.

When you do this, you do not think of how your decisions will affect your future because you're looking behind rather than forward. Your actions then tend to not reflect what you want for yourself in later years. They will most likely match your past, which in that case, a lesson can never be learned.

Remaining in your past is a state of inaction. It makes you forget to enjoy the present, which as we all know, can hold great beauty. Just like a day comes and goes, just like the sun rises and sets, all your moments at every point in your life need to be cherished and then let go. Life is like driving. Sometimes you need to go backwards, but not very often and usually just for short stints. Other times, you have to wait at a red light; this is where people would tell you to stop and smell the roses. But for the most part, you're inching forward.

I threw away a lot of what was in the bin; one full garbage bag of pictures was laid to rest. Every single photograph, every single memory, piece of paper and memento were music to my ears and heart. They each struck a different chord and the melody that played in me in those two days will forever be humming deep within me.

The roller coaster of emotions felt during the one weekend it took me to go through what had taken me years to gather was thrilling. I was able to relive parts of my childhood, recount my years in high school, visualize my university experiences, re-cherish numerous family events, and experience the butterflies of past boy crushes. I was brought back to small moments between friends, moments that have all slipped our minds because we are busy creating more small moments - such is life. I was plagued with certain what ifs but because it's all in hindsight now, I know how things turned out and I see that everything worked out for the best.

Like the penguin theory and its lesson of “time”, I firmly believe that I needed this refresher course on my life at that particular time. It was a complete rejuvenation. It reminded me to soak up the small moments. It reminded me to live in the now and let all my senses take part in the experience. It reminded me of the characters that have played lasting parts in my story and of those that didn't last but will always be remembered of fondly.

If you look back too often, you chance damaging your present and the people meant to be part of your future. On the flip side, if you look too far ahead, you chance missing out on the present. The fine balance, then, is to remain in the now. The key is moderation.

Your past, present, and future, together thread a golden line from your beginning to your end. At one point your past was your present, and in due time, what was once your future will become your present and then follow suit to your past. You can't have one without the other. What is nice about this trinity is you can stray and walk in the wrong direction but like a compass, your past should always point you to your true north.

LC xo