I've always fancied myself someone who was able to judge a good character, in more detail, someone who was able to dissect a person at first glance, upon words spoken, shared moments, and glances given. Where does this ability come from? Past experience most definitely. But can that past experience cloud or misguide you in your first analysis of this "new" person? The answer is an unwavering yes.
A couple years ago, I met a gentleman who, with great charm, swept me off my feet. At the time I knew everything was wrong, with him, with me, with us together. There were many external factors coming into play that made my choice of him so wrong, on so many levels. But without going into that detail, I will carry on with this short lived romance. It started with lengthy conversations, dates, dinners, and hints of romanticism and fantasy. He told me what I wanted to hear, but at the time, I didn't see it that way. I saw it as he was telling me things he felt, meant and wanted to say. And then it all ended in being ignored. Ignored by a man, for all intents and purposes we will call him that, who gave me, and reciprocal it was, his undying like and attention for months. I felt awful. Was it me. Was it something I said. Was it something I didn't say. Was it something I should have said. Was it something I should have done. I cannot count how many conversations I had with myself to try and understand his logic, or lack there of. We spoke briefly once I raised the issue with him and he told me, and I quote "I don't deal with things properly. I just ignore them in hopes that it all goes away". Ouch. So rather than be upfront with someone you've been conversing with for some time, you opt to ignore.
Second experience. Short version: the man I was seeing went to New York and had a 4 day sexscapade with his ex girlfriend (I realize sexscapade is not a word). I know, isn't that grand. The flood of emotions I went through with a couple of my experiences definitely have shaped me...for the good and, to be relevant to this blog insert, for the bad.
This is where my concern lies. Have these "douchebags" tarnished my outlook? If so, permanently or just temporarily? I'm going to jump the gun and answer the second question first by saying that no man can hurt me permanently. I am a firm believer in self progression and helping one self out by 1) taking from the past and learning 2) we are the ones that control our emotions, reactions and adverse effects of our situation. I digress. All this begs the question, am I still affected? Am I still affected by what they have done to me? To be honest and contrite, yes I am. Whenever I feel a sentiment or have a thought remotely close to something similar to what I had/felt with these men, I immediately make this unreasonable link between the past and present.
My studies in critical thinking and argumentation, have taught me that while things can be similar in two different scenarios, in this case, past and present, to immediately categorize them as the same, without just cause other than "well, just because..." is faulty, possibly invalid and not firmly placed. Past experiences help us to see red flags when we normally wouldn't have had we not gone through what we've gone through. So in that sense, they are extremely helpful. But when we are misguided and are drawing reference to bottled up hurt, we can potentially raise, not see, a red flag and we run the risk of, in simple laymen terms, fucking up.
So, to make a full circle, I will end it with this. Yes, I am a good judge of character. Yes past experiences can cloud your judgment, I'm a prime example. Yes, my judgment of the new is tainted by characters who gladly no longer play a role in my life. But on the same token, no, I will not allow it to rain on my parade.
If any of this was properly worded and came out coherently, I applaud myself. When I have a thought, I just run with it until my mind is dry.
Gnight, LC
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